The Levels of Loathing
Ranking the teams you love to hate.
ESPN columnist Bill Simmons wrote a column in 2002 listing what he called the “Levels of Losing”, a ranking system meant to both describe and rank the losses that he suffered as a fan of Boston-based teams. Thirteen original levels were eventually expanded into sixteen in 2007.
Myself and my friends, mostly from back home in the Bay Area, have been using the levels to describe our own fandom experiences starting circa 2009 or 2010. They are as applicable now as they were when the columns were originally penned.
The night after the franchise-record 111-win Dodgers lost against their “scornful little brother” to the South (hat tip to the Urinating Tree), I had randomly sketched out a list of teams I disliked and attempted to rank them accordingly. For whatever reason, I had a hard time really putting numbers to them apart from a select few.
My sports chat friends from the Northland, after the Padres won, had an interesting discussion regarding both the Dodgers, who are almost universally disliked amongst the group apart from 2-3 people, and Manny Machado, San Diego’s third baseman who is also almost universally disliked within the group due to his time in Baltimore and with the previously mentioned Dodgers. The question was posed: who would someone rather see win, Machado or the Dodgers team?
After a short discussion about a “tier list” of disgust, my friend Scott said that there should be a “Levels of Loathing” companion to Simmons’s “Levels of Losing”. Unlike the 16 Levels in Simmons’s loss system, Scott and I only needed 5 to cover most cases of team or personnel-based disgust. Being a very clever wordsmith, Scott also dubbed four of the categories with their names.
With all of that background put forward, I present to the world the “Levels of Loathing”. I have decided to PG-ify some of the names but you, as the reader, can use your imagination to figure out what the original titles were.
Level V: “For The Laughs” a.k.a. “For The Lulz”
The lowest Level of Loathing is reserved for teams that you never want to win, not because you necessarily dislike the team that much, but because it’s funny when the team loses. Every league needs at least one meme team, and the memes must flow in order to obtain balance and zen in the universe. So it has been written and so it must be.
Personal Example: Edmonton Oilers (No Trend)
The Oilers spent over a decade tanking for high draft picks that never ended up amounting to much of anything. Then they were gifted the top generational player of the 2010s in Connor McDavid and a league top-5 to top-10 player in Leon Draisaitl in back to back drafts. Unfortunately the team still can’t get consistent goaltending or defense to save their lives. They can now win a round or two thanks to the wonders of high end talent but they’ll eventually be steamrolled by a team with actual depth. The best part? You know it’s coming and it’s still funny when it happens. Someone get McJesus out of there and onto a real team before his career is over.
Other Personal Examples: Any team from Cleveland, University of Southern California, University of Texas at Austin, Los Angeles Clippers, all Canadian NHL teams except Toronto and Calgary, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in California, Washington Football Team, Chicago Bears, any team with James Harden
Level IV: “Schadenfreude”
Stepping up from the comedy section, we now start to get into more serious territory. Level IV contains teams that you never want to win, not necessarily because of the team, but because you despise the team’s fanbase. The players and the organization may be fine but boy, you don’t want to see those jerks have any reason to celebrate. Ever. Their misery is your smile and you wouldn’t have it any other way.
Personal Example: Toronto Maple Leafs (No Trend)
I don’t have much disdain for the Leafs as a team. They have absolutely classic uniforms and I can’t really rattle off a player that I ever had much dislike for. The front office has been a bit of a joke across the past ten years between bad trades and bad contracts but those are only Level V meme material. What moves them up? Toronto fans are insufferable, delusional, and an absolute plague to any reasonable discussion regarding hockey. They are the NHL equivalent of the Dallas Cowboys fan. Longest active Stanley Cup drought in the league, baby!
Other Personal Examples: Any team in Toronto, Los Angeles Dodgers, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Duke Basketball, Texas A&M
Level III: “Legitimate Animus”
Level III contains teams that you never want to win for a number of mixed reasons, be it an established division rivalry, previous playoff or elimination game matchups, or because they just simply win too often. The dislike of a team’s fanbase can factor in here but Level III possesses a greater level of scorn for other factors surrounding the team or organization. This level can be considered a bit of a catch-all for teams that are legitimately disliked but lack that extra pinch of bitterness that pushes them up into the two highest tiers.
Personal Example: Boston Red Sox
As much as the Red Sox have tried to brand themselves as the opposite of their also-loathed neighbors to the south (Yankees), the Red Sox were able to achieve success by becoming what they said they hated. Did it work for them? Yes. The problem? They never were willing to admit it. If you just went ahead and did that at the time, I might have let it slide, but it’s too late for that now.
Other Personal Examples: Houston Astros, Kansas City Chiefs, Ohio State Buckeyes, San Francisco Giants, Alabama Crimson Tide, Pittsburgh Steelers, Calgary Flames, Pittsburgh Penguins, Dallas Stars, Texas Rangers, Chicago Blackhawks, St. Louis Blues, San Francisco 49ers
Level II: “That Guy”
True disgust begins to kick in at Level II. You may have significant dislike for the team as a whole but there happens to be at least one guy there that elevates them out of Level III and into another category entirely. It could be an owner, a player, or a coach, but there is at least one individual party associated with the team that invokes legitimate and involuntary nausea.
Level II could arguably be the most “fluid” level out of the five. A team sitting here could easily move to lower levels if said individual(s) were to depart. On the contrary, dislike of the same individual(s) could also impart a permanent stain onto the team and slowly trickle it upwards towards the summit of seethe. Both directions are possible.
Personal Example: Michigan Wolverines (Trending Up)
I went to a college that had no serious sports to speak of and in that absence I adopted the Michigan State Spartans, through a close family connection, as my college sports team. I never grew up in Michigan, have no significant ties to the state, and generally have no major dislike of any of the football teams in the Big 10 outside of Ohio State (Level III) and potentially Penn State (Level V).
What makes Michigan different though? Jim Harbaugh. I loathe this man’s arrogance and demeanor and I have felt that way ever since he went from Stanford to the NFL. The 49ers found themselves at Level II when Harbaugh was there and Michigan finds themselves at Level II now for the same reason. As time has progressed, however, I have found the Michigan fan base to be increasingly unpalatable and I would not be surprised if Michigan remains here or moves higher even if Harbaugh leaves the school. For the record, Michigan basketball currently sits at Level III due to the football team and Juwan Howard.
Other Personal Examples: New England Patriots, any team with Tom Brady, Los Angeles Chargers, Dallas Cowboys, Los Angeles Lakers with LeBron James, Los Angeles Kings, Anaheim Ducks
Level I: “General Principle”
At the top of the “Levels of Loathing”, we enter rarified lands where the mere mention of a particular team induces a reflexive response of disgust. This is a level where even if a player you like goes there, you still want him to crash and burn. Where one will dream of defecating on player statues outside of the team’s stadium. If you are sitting down at a bar and someone sits down next to you wearing this teams colors, you may be making a quick move to the bathroom and relocating to a high top. No matter what happens in the world, you will never like them for the remainder of your life and nothing will change your opinion.
Hating the team isn’t a conscious decision. Hating the team is General Principle.
Personal Example #1: Denver Broncos
From the Mike Shanahan days of the 1990s to present day, there is no NFL franchise that I get more enjoyment out of seeing lose than the Denver Broncos. Their logo, their orange and blue jerseys, their front office and management, and their entire organization are all trash. They deserve absolutely no success in this world and the current dumpster fire state of the team with Russell Wilson and his quarter of a billion dollar contract brings happy tears to my eyes, figuratively speaking.
I was a fan of Peyton Manning when he was with the Colts. I wanted to see them knock the Patriots (Level II) off of their pedestal as often as possible and Peyton deserved as much success as he could get as one of the greatest players of all time. Then he went to Denver and I never wanted to see him win anything as long as he was with the team. I laughed when the Seahawks blew them out and was irate when they were able to win a title against the Panthers.
Personal Example #2: Vegas Golden Knights
Vegas came into the NHL as an expansion franchise and had a cinderella debut season. I personally believe that a lot of the success during their first year was due to them pulling the city together after the Mandalay Bay festival massacre. On the surface, that’s a great feel good story. Unfortunately they also beat my NHL team in the playoffs on their road to the Stanley Cup Final which, as an immediately successful same-division expansion franchise, moved them up into the Level III tier in the blink of an eye. It could have stopped there.
Over the course of the next two seasons Vegas turned into the biggest villain in the sport, surpassing other long disfavored divisional rivals like the Kings and Ducks who shifted slightly backwards into Level II. The coach was an insulting hot headed idiot (now fired), the players were (and still are) trash talking jerks of the highest order with no accountability, the front office (still there) threw away and traded loyal players whenever something new and shiny caught their eyes, and the nascent fanbase became wholly delusional and entitled to success. If the franchise contracted tomorrow I would have a mile wide smile for a week.
Other Personal Example: New York Yankees